Mardi Gras, Nude Beaches, AMX VIDEO Transporter

THE BEAR

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed.

The koala bear goes down on the hooker ... for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms ...

After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.

"Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money."

The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."

The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes.

Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf and grabs a dictionary and thumbs it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:

"HOOKER: person who has sex for money" then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door.

The hooker reads:

"KOALA BEAR: eats bushes and leaves."
 

THE BET

A little old lady went into the Bank of Colorado one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Colorado's president's balls in my hand."

 


THE DATE RAPE DRUG

WARNING

All males beware - all females be more considerate

PLEASE READ THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS

THAT GO TO CLUBS OR BARS AND DRINK.

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.

Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends.

And girlfriends, take heed.

There is a new drug called beer, that is essentially in liquid form.

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to

convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is

that beer is available virtually anywhere!

All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and

simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally

rendered helpless against such attacks.


AMX OFFICE CHATTER OF LAST WEEK:

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? Do I look like a people person? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Does your train of thought have a caboose? Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & realize you haven't fallen asleep. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1? Okay, okay, I take it back! Unscrew you! Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?


 

A LETTER FROM MOM TO FLASH OF AMX 1/7/02

Dear Flash:

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your sister is going to name it after me. She's going to call it Mom.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. We think they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom

PS   I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.


HEIDI'S PREVIOUS EMPLOYMENT TRANSCRIPT:

Heidi previously worked in customer support for the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed  from a recording monitoring the customer care department.  She was fired for the exchange that follows.   Actual dialogue of the WordPerfect Customer Support transcript is below.  

 TECH..."Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

 CUSTOMER... "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

TECH... "What sort of trouble?"

 CUSTOMER... "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

 TECH... "Went away?"

 CUSTOMER... "They disappeared."

 TECH... "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

 CUSTOMER... "Nothing."

 TECH... "Nothing?"

 CUSTOMER... "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

 TECH... "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

 CUSTOMER... "How do I tell?"

 TECH... "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

 CUSTOMER... "What's a sea-prompt?"

 TECH... "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

 CUSTOMER... "There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

 TECH... "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

 CUSTOMER... "What's a monitor?

 TECH... "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."

 TECH... "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

CUSTOMER... "I don't know."

 TECH... "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

 CUSTOMER... "Yes, I think so."

 TECH... "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it' s plugged into the wall."

 CUSTOMER... "Yes, it is."

 TECH... "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

 CUSTOMER... "No."

 TECH... "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

 CUSTOMER... "Okay, here it is."

TECH... "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

 CUSTOMER... "I can't reach."

TECH... "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

CUSTOMER... "No."

TECH... "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

 CUSTOMER... "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

 TECH... "Dark?"

 CUSTOMER... "Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

TECH... "Well, turn on the office light then."

 CUSTOMER... "I can't."

 TECH... "No? Why not?"

 CUSTOMER... "Because there's a power failure."

 TECH... "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

 CUSTOMER... "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

 TECH... "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

 CUSTOMER... "Really? Is it that bad?"

 TECH... "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

 CUSTOMER... "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

 TECH... "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!"


 

Top 35 Oxymorons:

35. State worker 34. Legally drunk 33. Exact estimate 32. Act naturally 31. Found missing 30. Resident alien 29. Genuine imitation 28. Airline Food 27. Good grief 26. Government organization 25. Sanitary landfill 24. Alone together 23. Small crowd 22. Business ethics 21. Soft rock 20. Butt Head 19. Military Intelligence 18. Sweet sorrow 17. Rural Metro (ambulance service) 16. "Now, then ..." 15. Passive aggression 14. Clearly misunderstood 13. Peace force 12. Extinct Life 11. Plastic glasses 10. Terribly pleased 9. Computer security 8. Political science 7. Tight slacks 6 Definite maybe 5. Pretty ugly 4. Rap music 3. Working vacation 2. Religious tolerance And the number one top Oxymoron.... 1. Microsoft Works 


STRANDED

On a beautiful deserted island, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men, 1 Italian woman

2 Frenchmen, 1 French woman

2 German men, 1 German woman

2 Greek men, 1 Greek woman

2 Englishmen, 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men, 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men, 1 Japanese woman

2 American men, 1 American woman

2 Irishmen, 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The Frenchmen and French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The German men have devised a strict weekly schedule for when they sleep with the German woman.

The Greek men are sleeping with each other, while the Greek woman cooks and cleans for them.

The Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean, one looked at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide as they listen to the American woman bitching about her body being her own, on the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, how all men (except her father) are pigs, and how her relationship with her mother is improving...but least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at at least the English aren't getting any.


SPORTS & SCIENCE

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


Things Men  SHOULDNíT  Say Out Loud In Victoriaís Secret:

 Does this come in childrenís sizes?

 No Thanks. Just Sniffing..

 Iíll be in the dressing room going blind.

 Mom will love this.

 Oh the size wonít matter. Sheís inflatable.

 No need to wrap it up. Iíll eat it here.

 Will you model this for me???

 The Miracle What???

 This is better than world peace!!

 Oh, honey, Youíll never fit into that.

 45 bucks?? Youíre just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

 

The Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But  Arenít:

 10. I need to whip it out by 5.

 9. Mind if I use your laptop?

 8. Just stick it in my box.

 7. If I have to lick one more, Iíll gag!

 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

 5. HMMMMMM.....I think itís out of fluid!

 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

 3. Itís an entry level position.

 2. When do you think youíll be getting off today?

 1. Itís not fair....I do all the work while he just sits there!

 Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Arenít:

 10.Nuts...my shaft is bent

 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

 7. Look at the size of his putter

 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

 5. Mind if I join your threesome?

 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

 3. My hands are so sweaty I canít get a good grip

 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

 Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Arenít:

 10. Have you looked through her briefs?

 9. He is one hard judge!

 8. Counselor, letís do it in chambers

 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute

 6. Is it a penal offense?

 5. Better leave the handcuffs on

 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

               1. Think you can get me off?

 What did you Expect?:

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in

 circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his

 patients in specimen jars as mementos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leather smith, and asked him to

craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said

 the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

 The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the

leather smith had made for him. The leather smith presented him a wallet.

 "All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.    

The leather smith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

 

ACTUAL SIGNS POSTED BY BUSINESSES

Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store: Out for a quick byte

Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.